ULURU

It's the reason we're here, this image of Australia. What? It's smack bang in the middle of the outback?  Well, lets get started on crossing this living oven. You give me a piggy back first. 

Uluru is the sacred sandstone rock formation, what's amazing is that the landscape is flat surrounding this behemoth. It's the daddy of rocks, all the other weakling rocks had cracks in them, and weathered away. Not Uluru, Uluru did not skip leg day, beautiful. This is Kata Tjuta? Ahh, awkward.  Well, both of them have great cultural significance to the aboriginal anangus.  Now for the great question about Uluru, to climb or not to climb? Well, previously they politely requested you not to climb. Which was then follow by a striptease, golfing and nudity on top of the sacred site. So now it's banned, unsurprisingly.  I'm sure the ancestral sprits of the creator beings were disappointed in that.  If in doubt, when you are on your walking tour with the local guide, ask them the questions. Is the cave painting the first tee? Are dick pics cool in this area? Why is that boomerang coming towards me?

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KINGS CANYON

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Travelling the outback can seem like you're watching one great screensaver. So, when there's even a hint of a change in the scenery, the awesome effect is doubled.  Is that a scientific term? King's Canyon provides ancient sandstone walls, gorges and dense forest palms. Who's up for some parkour? Enjoy time to giggle at taking the 'Canyon Rim Walk' which includes an exotic Garden of Eden.  Sightings of Adam and Eve are yet to be confirmed..

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A word of warning when travelling the great outback, use a tour company bus, plane or train, in no way do you want to get stuck out there in a rented car.  I know we all think the survival instincts will kick in and you'll immediately turn into Bear Grylls.  But you'll probably panic and scoff all the chocolate when the fuel gauge shows low fuel. Carbo loading, nice..

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WHITSUNDAY ISLANDS

Do you like boats? Do you like beaches? Do you like drinking? Do you enjoy Sunday? Yes? Brilliant, Captain Cook named these islands because they were discovered on Whitsunday.  It's amazing how they kept track of the days on their voyages around the globe.  I personally have not idea what date it is today, or what day even.  You'll drink, you'll laugh, you'll vomit over the deck of your boat, it's a wonderful experience. There are 74 islands off the coast of Queensland to explore, don't panic, pick any, they are all lovely.  For the picture enthusiast there is Whitehaven beach, sit down, relax and enjoy. Trip usually last around three days, and you'll see the best of Australian beaches along with the worst of hangovers. Bring sea sickness tablets..

NOOSA EVERGLADES

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What is an everglade? It's a tropical wetland, there's only 2 in the world. You can explore Noosa for a few days by renting a canoe that fits two, time for you to bond, become one with the paddle and judge the other person on the quality of their steering.  I said left!  You put the paddle in the other side! Picture the scene, ducks, pelicans and cormorants glide along the tranquil water... Canon Ball! The main fun comes with jumping out of the canoe at random times to liven up your journey.   The  problem is that Noosa Heads brings back sad memories for me.  You see, we capsized and the current took the camping gear one direction and the booze the other way.  I still have flashbacks of the box wine (Goon) floating away in the distance.  It haunts me to this day.  Oh fun fact about Noosa Heads, on the days after capsizing for Britain, we found out Bull sharks roam the area.  OK, one more cannonball for the road.

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FRASER ISLAND

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Friend of the show Captain Cook originally called this island Great Sandy Island.  He must have been tired with naming everything he saw. So, Eliza Fraser entered the naming contest, with her husband's ship striking reef hundreds of miles from the island.  The shipwrecked crew split up, she made landfall on Hook Point, may have been kidnapped, was helped by escaped convict(s), and later got into trouble for claiming charity.  Fraser Island's ecosystems are rainforests, woodland, swamps, sand dunes and coastal heaths. It's all there! Pick an ecosystem, any ecosystem!  There's even a chance to stay the night with the local Aboriginal inhabitants of the island and see the infamous dingo.  It looks like a medium sized ginger dog, they do not like you, have killed babies and have no dog souls. They are nocturnal, so having to walk to the toilet at night from the campsite, is a great way for these guys to play peek-a-boo with you. Try your hand at boomerang throwing, digeridoo playing and enjoy the local dance.  You are allowed to take pictures, are there spirits showing in yours? 

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GREAT OCEAN ROAD

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The world's largest and most beautiful war memorial is 243 kilometres long.  Returning soldiers of the first world war built this beauty, and the koala's decided to move in.  After a day of munching eucalyptus leaves, Koalas look, erm, out of it.  Koalas sometimes get lost on the floor during your drive along the road, bad vibes.  So, please do not try to play the game Koala vs Car, we all know who the winner will be and Mr.Koala is trying to get to another dimension. Far out... The most reasonable starting point for your mammoth journey is Melbourne.  It's a traditional English summer drive, clotted cream and jam scones, tea, Torquay, what more do you need? You'll pass surf town Torquay on the way in, Billabong, Rip Curl and Quiksilver all have HQs here.  The waves along this coast are radical.... do surfers say that? Tubular?

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TASMANIA

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On the flight or ferry over it's recommended to sing the Tasmanian Devil theme tune repeatedly to get you in the mood.  Tasmania is a completely different world, and it has highlights that compete with their shouty mainland neighbours.  You want beautiful beaches? There's Wineglass Bay. Fantastic mountains? Cradle mountain covers that. Tasmania even has better beer, and the tremendous tradition of north vs south. What more do you need? Animals you say, well, the daddy of all the animals in Australia is here! It is of course the wombat. What other chunky fellow can run 25 miles/h, poo in the shape of a cube, and uses their arse as their main form of defence? I love them, it's probably because my defence mechanisms are the same. 

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SYDNEY DATE NIGHT 

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Are you fluent in Italian? Love the drama of the stage? No? Me too! We're going to the Opera House, you'll get dressed up, feel cultured, stop it, we're going, urgh, you always do this when it's the things I want to do. Make sure you get seats that are not situated near the beams in there though.  The last time I went I got the cheaper tickets due to the view, the performance of the pole was so bad I felt I should have invested more. For starters it hogged the stage, absolute diva.  After the performance get ready for the magic, you have Sydney Harbour at night.  Wander along the water, whisper sweet nothings into their ear, followed by drinks and views of the harbour bridge, with the finale, a drunken walk through Hyde Park chasing possums. 10/10 date, hmm? Who was she? Last time?...... I love the way the anger brings out the blue in your eyes.

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