Wait wait wait, before we get started. You see main image, magical? Yes? It's called the Handara Gate. Instagramable you might say. Well, this lovely scene is an entrance to a golf course.  Unfortunately the bemused locals were not happy with the amount of people taking snaps, so, they set up a pay booth, those entrepreneurs. You will be charged 30,000 Indonesian per person, rupees or the cost of a cheap meal to take a snap.  Keep your selfie ticket as proof of purchase and a wonderful souvenir.  To get here it's a 2.5 drive from Kuta, past the traditional wonder of Ubud, sadly, there's no public transport here.  Just make sure to get here early....

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UBUD

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The cultural centre of Bali, full of traditional dances, haggling and the dreaded monkey forest/temple of doom.  Monkeys and me have always had a general mistrust of each other, we can see it in each other's eyes that both of us are planning shenanigans. The Ubud Monkey Forest contains three Hindu temples and is a conservation area, the main message for this area is teaching us to have harmonious relationships with humans, nature and God. When I was in there, I scared off the monkeys, argued with someone, and may have blasphemed.  I'm sorry, look, the monkeys scare me.  After hopefully not offending the three principles of Hinduism,  take time to peruse the markets, it's actually not the same inventory that is present throughout the rest of Indonesia.  I've always wanted traditional Indonesian clothes, What's my size, erm, large European? You're out of stock? Shit... Well that throws off me looking the part for the traditional dance.

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BOROBUDUR TEMPLE

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On Java, this temple is the biggest Buddhist monument, wait for it..... in the world.  You'll hear how it should be considered on of the seven wonders, but really. Just say it's a wonder, I have no idea why we are limited to seven.  The architecture of this temple is a sight to behold, especially as there is no mortar or cement used.  It's like someone forgot to order it and just went 'It's part of the design'.  I know what your thinking, don't try to push it down. Stop it. It's essentially interlocking blocks that so you can't.  I didn't try to push it over, shut up. As with most things around south east Asia (see terracotta army, Angkor wat), it was 'rediscovered' in 1815 and restored, I mean hard to miss I know, but those volcanoes do go off a lot around here.

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RINCA

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As Komodo island has been closed to protect the Komodo dragon, another option is to visit Rinca for your dragon fill. You can boat here from Bali or the Gili Islands, it's a fantastic adventure.   As the boat chugs along with Indonesia's fantastic scenery in the background the deeper questions of life will come to you.  Am I a real adventurer now? When was the last time the volcano exploded? Can you burn on top of a burn? As getting a boat here is the only option you get to enjoy the toilet situation.  With mine, it consisted of a toilet that had a hole in it that went to the ocean, with some wood blocking the view of you, IF you sat down. No plumbing, just a shoot to the ocean.  I might as well as squatted over the side of the boat.  Adventuring, you've got to love it.   Now, the Komodo dragon is an impressive beast, it can reach 3 metres long.  It has a bite full of bacteria that kills deer and impressive claws, so what is the defence used by the local guides? A long stick. It's fine, it adds to the drama.  

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GILI TRAWANGAN

It's amazing how many horses can fit on this island, they must have the record.  Is there a horses per capita rate? If there is Gili Trawangan has the highest.  The biggest of the three islands, this is the home of the resident turtle sanctuary. You can have a look at all the hatchlings, and warn them about all the snakes that you saw on BBC's Planet Earth.  The key is the speed to the water, little turtle.  If need to check up on them, you can organise SCUBA diving to continue being their personal trainer.   After you've given a cardiovascular workout routine to the baby turtles, it's time for a fantastic sunset.  From this island you get to see the sun go behind a volcano, whilst sipping on the finest 50% alcohol cocktails in Asia.  Which one will explode first, the volcano or your stomach? 

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GILI MENO

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Honeymoon island, there's always one in every country.  What's Britain's? Hmm, the Isle of Wight? You're either one of the crowd here, with candlelit dinners and relaxed dining with your special someone. Or you wandering along the beach with a friend after a few too many drinky poo's doing your third circuit of the island.  Either way, your going to fall asleep with another person. As a place to recharge the batteries after being harassed throughout Indonesia, it's a great option. 

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GILI AIR

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Gili air is the love child of Meno and Trawangan. You can enjoy a party or investigate the next spot around the island for a good dose of the vitamin D.  But as with all of these islands you'll have to commit to a spot, you have one circuit to decide where to relax for the day depending on your mood.  Put the towels down and relax, don't think what's over the next nook.  Ok, lets just have a cheeky look.

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