QUEENSTOWN

Many years ago, a New Zealander must have been bored. Winter was over, and there's only so much backcountry mountain biking you can do.  After a quick ride up the gondola, enjoying luging at height, a light bulb moment came. Hmm, maybe I could jump off something? First  a raft, higher they thought, then a canyon, even higher, then a plane. It's all there in Queenstown. It's just what to jump off today?  Booking 2 activities is a great way to have an adrenaline packed few hours, but check the weather before your sky dive.  These can be delayed and even cancelled until another day.  Don't worry, as you've listened to me and booked all your adventures with one company, you can easily change to a different form of falling from height.

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MILFORD SOUND

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This insane fjord came all the way over from Norway...I know, unbelievable.  When the wind blows through at the right angle you can hear the faintest 'hurdy gurdy'. I kid...  It's one road up and back to the sound, so make sure you plan a whole day here.  Driving to Milford Sound is an adventure in itself, the narrow and winding road can be flooded or covered in snow, so lay off the handbrake turns.  The scenery makes this a worth while trip, and to calm you down after the rally stage to get to Milford Sound, you can take a relaxing boat ride. They run regularly during the day and give you the opportunity to see the resident dolphin population. The smartest, most adorable animals of the seas, right? Well these trouble makers have been confirmed to commit gang rape, unbelievable.  You can judge these criminals on the bow of your boat, but how can you put handcuffs on them??

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FOX OR FRANZ JOSEF GLACIER 

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You have a choice between 2 glaciers, let's be honest. It doesn't make a difference which one you pick.  Ice, check, crevasses, check, cold, check, it's melting, check.  Fox and Franz are the lazy people's choice of glacier, because New Zealand is not the warmest place on earth the glaciers run nearly to the sea.  Which means sea level, no altitude, and little exercise.  Wonderful!  The main eyegasm is the blue ice on both, a great photo opportunity and a chance to lick a 13 kilometre long ice lolly. It tastes like blueberries. Don't worry about which one, just enjoy walking on spikes and playing 'save your life' with people whenever you see a crevasse. They'll love it. 

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WAITOMO CAVES

Like the next man, I love a sparkly worm arse. And when I can see a cave lit up with this, it's a sight to behold. Explore New Zealand's subterranean with a cheeky abseil down to the dark.  Descend slowly, slowly I said, ok free fall down to the depths then, every one else in this country is doing it.    Caving, whilst tiring, is a must do purely because you will be dunked in freezing water and struggle through tiny gaps. A claustrophobics dream I tell you.  After all this, sit back, relax in your doughnut and watch the cave illuminate.  I wonder if the worms will shit on me? Hmm.... best close my mouth. 

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ABEL TASMAN 

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Abel Tasman national park has all the ingredients for some national park based shenanigans.  Add clear water, large granite and marble stones, sandy beaches, and a sprinkling of seals.  Let's get the kayaks out and see if these inquisitive creatures mess with us.  Don't worry, I'm sure we'll be fine, oh god, they are coming closer.  Will they tip your kayak? Are there sharks around here? How did you get married to Heidi Klum?  A good way to dry off is a walk up to Pitt head to see an ancient Maori Fort.  If you're still soaked, aggressively haka at the fort until you get the required level of moisture out of your clothes.

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WAITANGI

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The year was 1840, the Maoris were worried that France may invade.  They could see them with their baguettes looking for the ideal spot for a boulangerie.  Whilst the Brits had been cheeky in the past land dealings with the Maoris, the Treaty of Waitangi was signed.  The King Of England recognised that whilst New Zealand became a British Colony, protected by the Brits, Maoris keep their land and chiefdoms.  Whilst this MAY be an historically inaccurate  retelling of the story, this is a great place to receive an intimate welcome and experiment in nose to nose welcomes. See? The British Empire wasn't all bad?

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